Final Contact
By: Shawn D. Petrie (11-22-2006)
My thoughts pass through
The filter of my heart
Come out on the other side
Distorted and corrupted
With this feeling of hope
That there could be more
Something else for me
Something so wonderful
The weight of loneliness
Pushes back on me hard
Dragging me straight down
To where I don’t belong
And in this darkened place
I have only one thought
The image of our final day
When you stripped my pride away
The darkness fills up every empty space
That you used to occupy
Turning every hopeful thought to hate
Tearing my grin down to a frown
There’s a cold breeze blowing
Though there seems to be no doors
The must be no way out
I’ve have been here before
I feel around on the concrete floor
And around the cinder block walls
My fingers only feel the bars of this callous cell
And i cry out to no avail
Curled up in the corner
Lying on the floor
Hating everything that i have been through
Hating most myself
Going through it all
One moment at a time
From when it all began
To its tragic awful end
You all have things in common
Everyone of you has cut me
Some worse than others
But always on top of the old wound
Some of you enjoyed it
Some of you unknowing
Some of you just made mistakes
Some of you just wanted me dead
Gritting my teeth, as i remember further
My very first memory of loss
The greatest loss of all
So easily forgotten
But stemming from this loss
There grew this lonely beast
Trained to problem solve with hate
And shut out all that smiles
Far too young to fight it off
The lessons run so deep
The way i view the world
Is forever a part of me
And inside of this frozen cell
I start to sense a presence
Multiplying all the time
As i now know, i am not alone
There’s a light high up on the ceiling
With 1 old dim lit bulb
And as the cell is illuminated
I can start to see
Rows and rows of empty faces
But i can recognize
They’re the ones who hurt me
So steadily all these years
Front and center in the mob
I see my fathers face
He has a wicked satisfaction
A content look on his face
Everyone that stands behind him
Has fire in there eyes
And waiting for his final words
To come destroy it all
What’s left for them to take
Is my strength through bitter hate
To add it to there collective minds
And make them all invincible
I ask him if he ever cared
He cocked his head to the side
He simply could not respond
He just couldn’t understand
He tells me that I’m perfect
And i begin to cry
But only pain and whimpering
No tears are coming out
He says that he never tried
Because he didn’t want to
And that it was his choice
To keep me in the dark
For many years he has bee building
This cell room just for me
And when he grew too tired to continue
He passed along the knowledge to a loved one
Turned there heart
made them dark
Put them to work
And it continued for years
And in the room which has no doors
No way to escape
They all have come to watch the show
The rotten fruits of the labor
They come up to me one by one
And force me to remember
Exactly how they hurt me
And exactly how i felt
like wisp-full gliding shards glass
They cut right through my heart
And i surly do remember
And i want it all to stop
But it doesn’t stop
And it will never stop
The line is long and they are eager
To move it right along
In similar but different ways
They each take a shot at me
With one thing in common
There hatred bred for me
My body gets so weak
So exposed and broken down
My heart is beat right out of me
And is lying on the ground
My eyes can hardly see
But still i notice something
The line has finally ended
It must have lasted days
Aching, tired, hurt and bleeding
Unsure of what’s to come
What will the final action be
I am ready for the end
In the corner of the room
there sits a backwards chair
I didn’t see it before
But now it is so clear
And everyone that was in the room
Has lined up along the walls
Creating a open empty space
For the final act to be done
The figure arises from it’s chair
Its seems so weak and frail
Wearing a hood to hide its face
Walking with a limp
This must be what’s left behind
When the better half escapes
And now i greet it face to face
And it looks directly at my heart
Dirty, black and bleeding
Still lying on the floor
Knocked around a couple of times
But still it is intact
There’s only one other face
That i can see so clear
Its the face of my father
Standing back next to the chair
Asking me if I’m ready
Telling me i deserve it
Saying it will be OK
Saying “it will soon be over”
The grizzly crippled thing
Begins to raise its head
I start to see the face
Of who once, was my best friend
I see that it’s a girl
The one I’d love forever
But she now lives, up in the trees
While i am stuck down here
She speaks for a short while
And begins to explain
The what i see before me
Is not what used to be
“I’m what you’ve created,
You and you alone,
You are the result off all the pain,
But i am the result of them, through you”
“You split me down the middle,
I used to be your angel,
The only one in this wicked world,
That every truly cared”
“But in your need to vent,
Those years of wicked pain,
You turned my hart to black as well,
By playing hurtful games”
I beg for her forgiveness
She is the only one that can still save me
But my words go unheard
As she has no human ears
And then i start to notice
She has no human eyes,
She is only just a shell
The discarded thrash of her better half
Alive with hate and resentment
She has been given the power
To strike the final blow
And wipe my candle flame away
She says “there’s no more need for words”
Cause i never listened before
And all the years she tried to reach me
I only caused her pain
She leans back towards my father,
Now they’re the only two in the room
And through a brief communication
She know now what to do
She raises up her foot
And holds it for a minute
And asks me if there’s anything
Else that i want to say
I tell her that I’m sorry
I tell her how i love her
I tell her how i need her
I promise to be good
I tell her that I’m stupid
I didn’t know any better
I did the best i could
I ask for her forgiveness
I tell her to remember
The times we laughed together
The times i spent inside her
And how that make us love
I tell her i was wrong
I tell her not to hurt me
I ask her why she’s changed
And why she ever took my hand
But the words i speak don’t stick
Her expression is so blank
And with the lack of eyes
I cannot see inside
I only know that what’s before me
Could never find forgiveness
Could never let me go
Could never love again
And then i quickly notice
That my heart is unrecognizable
Flat and crusted to the floor
And i look towards the only door
I see them hand in hand
My father and my wife
Never turning back to see
If i am dead, or still alive
Out the door they go
Back into the light
Which cracks through the open hole
and blinds me for all time
I close my eyes for a second
And i hear the cell door slam
I feel that cold and lonely feeling no more
But still i do not die
Fixed to all my thoughts
Which haven’t gone away
For now they are even stronger
Then they ever were before
With no pain to distract me
I am left to ponder
Every one that’s wronged me
And everything I’ve done wrong
I reach down for my heart
But it has disappeared
And now i know for sure
That i can never leave
So i run into the wall
Head first to try to breach
The mercy of the broken skull
But nothing threatens me
And then i start to notice
i am six feet off the ground
I am in the mist of open air
And i can move around anywhere
I try for hours and hours
Up high, down low, and in between
To find a crack so i can escape
But there is nothing
So i settle to the floor
The cold has gone away
The sense of knowing where i am
Has also gone away
I put my face into my hands
I focus on one thought
For all the remaining days of forever
I focus on your face
My one true love, my wife
Before i destroyed her love
So happy and so content
Just to be with me
Before i wrote the book
To end in this tragic way
When there was still hope
That our lives together
Would be OK
And she would always stay
Keep me safe
And keep the demons of my past
Tucked so tight away
Our first kiss is my final contact
Our first touch my final contact
Our first fuck our final contact
now the damage is done, I’ve signed the contract
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