Fear arises By: Shawn D. Petrie

Fear arises
By: Shawn D. Petrie (12-22-2002)

My mind is going in circles
And my thoughts hurt
My head hurts
My eyes hurt
My chest hurts
My stomach hurts
My hands are shaking like they never have before

Tears come so easily
Trust is going down
Love is going away
Hope has long since been gone
Friends are going away
Learning that people don’t care
Knew that all along, just forgot
Life holds no certainty at all for anyone
No one cares
When it comes down to it no one cares
Maybe….maybe your family
That’s what I’m learning
But even that is not certain
So much pain in the world
So many broken marriages
So many single moms and dads
And kids with out parents in foster homes
Scarred for life like me
Move past the scar
No knowledge of how to make my perception change
Knowing its going to take years
Years I feel that i don’t have
And don’t want to spend
Trying to hard to make my life livable
With out complaints, daily pain
And the thoughts that would put me in jail
Or in the hospital
Fucking people dong fucking care
If someone what’s to die it should be there goddamn choice
Not some fucking moron in a white jacket and a clipboard
Interested only because there trained to be
Do they really care will they be there for you
After hours when your alone and you need a hand
Not likely, false sense of meaning in this world
Is what stupid fucking people attach there miserable fucking minds to
Its all they have
Or maybe they become religious
That makes the fucking shit more manageable
That is not in your face reality

That is fantasy with potential to be real
But you will not know until you fucking die
Fucking people are just afraid of dying
So they cling to religion to make them feel better
And it makes them dismiss everything in life as gods will
A work friend of mine feels that way
Making suggestions, saying gods plan
Saying all the things he would not be saying
If ever there came a day he was in my situation
Would be worse for him, with the kids
And why do fucking people have so many goddamn kids, not enough food, love. Trust

Appreciation, jobs, land, fucking air for the
People we have now, if everyone agrees that the
World is the world and you just have to watch out
Why not take the next step and admit that it is shit
Kids give people a purpose
A body to love unconditionally
A body that hopefully will love you unconditionally
That is not a guarantee
There are no guarantees
Show me one good thing in life
Not something that you think is great
But something ill think is great
Nothing much, i have what i want
I’ve bought what i want
Cant buy me love and I’m fucked up
Too fucked up to ever be loved
Understood
Or tolerated for more that a little while
So its my fault life sucks
I don’t know or maybe don’t want to
Be any other way
Is it because i don’t care
Because my brain was formed to believe
That only pain will come forth constantly
And there is no possible way to change it
No way to take out my brain and erase the
Fucked up goddamn shit that has fucked me up
And made my life suck so bad.
Who the fuck am i to complain people have it worse
Of course they do.
I am not worthy of sympathy or a spot in the light of empathy
I deserve nothing i am nothing
And nothing is what i want through my heart and my mind
To make it al stop
Fear of hell
Fear that was shoved down my little baby boy thought
Fear that i don’t understand

I hate

I hate my hands and my nature
I hate being human
I hate the potential to be great
With the potential to be shit
I hate
Fucking hate
So familiar this hate
Put it to be long ago
Waking as a screaming fucking infant
Keeping me from sleep
Keeping me form everything
Everything
Strong word i don’t give a fuck
Fuck you fuck them fuck the world
Fuck dying fuck living
Fuck trust fuck optimism
Fuck relationships fuck divorce
Fuck every fucking thing that sucks in this
World and what do you have left
Not a whole hell of a goddamn lot left
Fucking nothing

I’m pathetic

No reason to try

Right now or ever

No reason to smile

No reason to hope

No optimism here

No way will I trust

No way will i love

No way will i recover

No way do i want to

Incapable of making it stick

Too preoccupied with the failures

Of my weak miserable life

No way do i want to feel

No way do i want to live

No way i can stand this much longer

The right time
The right place
To do the right thing
End this fucking bullshit
Once and for all

F O L L O W A U G U S T W I L L D E C A Y
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– A U G U S T W I L L D E C A Y –
(12-16-2015)

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December 16, 2015 0

Falling By: Shawn D. Petrie

Falling
By: Shawn D. Petrie (5-2-2001)

Pain so thick it runs through me
Like the blood I’ve shed
Shed for all the worthless

And now I am stunned
Blind and falling into this foggy abyss
Of chemical produced reality

Robotic and dead
Dead are the dreams
I thought I would own

Falling through time, standing still
Running away from everyone
That had taken pieces of me

Then struck by the reality of you
Scared at first
Of the startling perfection

This demi-god unreal
But sitting before me
Guitar in hand

Experience formed habbit
Caused me to dismiss you
Another beautiful man

But you wouldn’t let that go
Stubborn to have your chance

Chance given, exposed to you
So real, ripping away my bullshit

Falling for you
Panicking in this spiral of intense beauty
Not wanting the pain again

But you held onto me
Comforted the uneasy feelings

And now you have awakened me
And I cant let you go

I am in heaven here
Always, in your arms

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– A U G U S T W I L L D E C A Y –
(12-16-2015)

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December 16, 2015 0

Hating the need By: Shawn D. Petrie

Hating the need
By: Shawn D. Petrie (2-7-2007)

Hating the need
For someone to hold
When its dark, when I’m lonely
When my bed is so cold

Hating the need
For someone to touch
When I find myself shaking
‘cause i need it so much

Hating the need
For someone to call
So quickly I’m hooked
So easily fall

Hating the need
To have someone around
When its empty inside me
And i cant hear a sound

Hating the need
And hoping to learn
Why I’m still so confused
And so easily burned

Hating the need
But seeking the truth
I’m still so afraid
With so much to loose

Hating the need
And wondering why
When i start to feel happy
I still want to cry

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– A U G U S T W I L L D E C A Y –
(12-16-2015)

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December 16, 2015 0

Hand of death By: Shawn D. Petrie

Hand of death
By: Shawn D. Petrie (10-26-2006)

Waiting for the hand of death
To drain me of this misery
Getting closer every day
As I become impatient

Sitting with this pain i feel
It always ends the same
Never knowing how to learn
From the mistakes that i have made

Left alone so young
Is that the reason why
Emotionally scarred for life
My past is always with me

Holding me back, reminding me
Of what i used to be
Is what ill always be
And that is set in stone

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– A U G U S T W I L L D E C A Y –
(12-16-2015)

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December 16, 2015 0

GET AWAY By: Shawn D. Petrie

GET AWAY
By: Shawn D. Petrie (12-9-1995)

I GREW AND EVOLVED
FROM THE PAIN THAT THEY GAVE ME
NEVER ACCUSED OF BEING LOST
AND I TRY TO BURN UP
THE WORLD ALL AROUND ME
REVENGE AT ANY COST

FEELING MAD
FEELING HATE
LET IT OUT WITH NO DELAY
CIRCLE OF LIFE BASED ON A DATE
AND EVIL FORCE ARE TAUNTING MY FATE

ANGRY FIST IN THE AIR
POINTED AT THE SUN
THINKING TO MYSELF
SCREAMING OUT LOUD
AM I THE ONLY ONE
WHY HAVE YOU DONE THIS TO ME?

I NEED TO GET AWAY
BECAUSE YOUR PRESENCE MAKES ME CRY
AND UNFORTUNATELY
I CAN’T HAVE THE THOUGHTS
THAT YOU GIVE ME OF WISHING TO DIE

SO I WILL SIT BACK
ALONE ON A STORMY NIGHT
AND SHUFFLE THROUGH MY PAST
AND I ONLY HOPE INSIDE
THAT I’LL ESCAPE YOUR NET FAST

FEELING MAD, FEELING HATE
HIDE IT INSIDE CHANGE MY FATE
DESTROY THE THINGS I GAVE TO YOU
YOU ALL LIED TO ME
AND NOW I AM THROUGH

BURN YOUR EYES OUT
TAKE CONTROL BACK
GIVE YOU MY EYES
SEE WHAT I GO THROUGH

LOST IN SPACE, WONT GO BACK
KEEP IT REAL, TRY TO FEEL
BURN AND CHAR, TEACH MYSELF
UNDERSTANDING LIFE IS ONE BIG SHELF

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– A U G U S T W I L L D E C A Y –
(12-15-2015)

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December 15, 2015 0

Further proof By: Shawn D. Petrie

Further proof
By: Shawn D. Petrie (5-20-2000)

If I practice will I get better at this game
If I act normal will they assume I am sane
If I am loud will they remember my name
Or will I be leveled by this social train

If I smile will they find I am kind
If I look happy will they think I am fine
If a seem needy will they help me this time
If I ask nicely will they let me have mine

If I show weakness will they push me around
Will they pick out my flaws, kick me when I’m down
If I show tears will they laugh at my frown
If I tell secrets will they spread them around town

I try to approach one but it all seems so hard
I’ve been handed a deck of all joker cards
I try to find a friend but relation seems barred
And I sample the crowd and find my soul marred

I’ve decided to stay quiet, it’s the best way I see
I’ll stand toward the back and alone I will be
I’ll act like a cat that’s been chased up a tree
Because any other way they will destroy me

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– A U G U S T W I L L D E C A Y –
(12-15-2015)

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December 15, 2015 0

FORGOTTEN By: Shawn D. Petrie

FORGOTTEN
By: Shawn D. Petrie (11-12-1996)

I HATE EVERYONE
FOR HOW THEY HAVE FORGOTTEN
BUT I AM GETTING TOUGH
CANNOT HEAR WHAT THEY ARE SAYING
WIPE AWAY THE SHELLS
TRUTH SHINES SO DARK

I WAS FORGOTTEN
ONLY OVER NIGHT
I DO NOT KNOW WHAT HAPPENED
I PROMISE NOT TO FIGHT

ONE DAY THINGS ARE FINE
NEXT DAY EVERYTHING IS DOOMED
ALL I WANT TO DO IS CRY
I GUESS I WILL NEVER KNOW WHY
FOR A DAY EVERYONE FORGOT

FORGOTTEN PAST,
PRESENT, AND FUTURE
MY LIFE IS OVER I WAS FORGOTTEN
NOW I WILL BE ALONE,
REMEMBERING MY PAST
I CAN ONLY GUESS WHY IT DID NOT LAST

BEST FRIENDS TURNED OUT TO BE COLD
SEEMS THEY SOLD MY SOUL
NOW I WILL GROW OLD, BY MYSELF
I DO NOT KNOW HOW IT HAPPENED

HAPPENED OVER NIGHT
AND NOW I AM AT MY END
ALONE AND FORGOTTEN

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– A U G U S T W I L L D E C A Y –
(12-15-2015)

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December 15, 2015 0

Forgiveness By: Shawn D. Petrie

Forgiveness
By: Shawn D. Petrie (10-10-2000)

The pain I endured
Spread slowly throughout the years
Held me back in so many ways
And crushed parts of me still lost

When did you decide
All was in vain
No chance would be given
You had made a mistake

Bitter memories held inside for so long
Casting shadows on a sunnier day
Building up until all light was gone
And I could no longer see who I was

Though time can heal most scars
Painful memories will always remain
But through growth and understanding
I build strength and I hope to one day
Find it in my heart to forgive you

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– A U G U S T W I L L D E C A Y –
(12-15-2015)

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December 15, 2015 0

From my mind By Shawn D. Petrie

From my mind
By Shawn D. Petrie (10-17-2003)

When will you put your trust in me
Are your eyes wide enough to see
Your poisons running through my heart
With these lies you sell to me

I’m not buying your disguise
We will surly stand our ground
I’ll keep you company with conversation
We will get along all day

Show me the door,
Give me the key
Allow me to leave
Crucify then threaten me

Early in the morning
I sit and wait alone
The gates are shut and locked
The concrete cold and uninviting

Can I do this one more time?
Will I make it home alone
If I turn away now will I forever remember
Or will I force you from my mind

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– A U G U S T W I L L D E C A Y –
(12-10-2015)

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December 10, 2015 0

FOREVER LOVE BY: SHAWN D. PETRIE

FOREVER LOVE
BY: SHAWN D. PETRIE (12-13-1995)

LOVE WAS IN MY HEART FROM THE VERY START

I KNEW IT WAS YOU FROM THE FIRST TIME I SAW YOU

I REALIZED I HAD FOUND WHAT I HAD BEEN LOOKING FOR

PLEASE LET ME IN, OPEN YOUR DOOR

YOUR EYES SO BRIGHT, YOUR SKIN SO SOFT

BEAUTY IS IN THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER AND I AM LOST

FOREVER MY LOVE WILL STAY IN MY HEART

IN THE HEART OF MY SOUL INSIDE MYSELF

YOUR BEAUTY OVERPOWERS MY CONFIDENCE

AND YOUR PRESENCE TAKES OVER MY HEART AND SOUL

OUR SPIRITS HOVER TOGETHER

TOGETHER FOREVER IN A WARM EMBRACE

INSIDE MY DESIRES

DESIRES THAT WILL NEVER COME TRUE

YOU JUST COULD NOT LET YOURSELF LOVE ME

YOU AND I WERE NOT MEANT TO BE

BEFORE I CLOSE MY EYES AND GO TO SLEEP

I REVIEW MY FAILURE BY REMEMBERING YOUR FACE

AS TO NEVER FORGET OR TO KEEP ON REMINDING MYSELF

THAT WE ONCE HAD WHAT WILL EVER AGAIN NOT

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– A U G U S T W I L L D E C A Y –
(12-10-2015)

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December 10, 2015 0

Fist of rage By: Shawn D. Petrie

Fist of rage
By: Shawn D. Petrie (7-8-2004)

A cold wind was blowing
The night of October 10th
The moon was full, the sky was black
And everything was still

Through the dead of the night
Came a sudden flash of bright light
Over a fit of jealous rage
I had taken a life

Who was I to judge the man
Was what he did so very wrong
As wrong as the crime I have just committed
As wrong as to the cell I am now committed

Three meals a day and a
Tattooed Muscular cell mate
Stone walls and a bed
Like a caged animal all over a fist of rage

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– A U G U S T W I L L D E C A Y –
(12-10-2015)

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December 10, 2015 0

Everlasting By: Shawn D. Petrie

Everlasting
By: Shawn D. Petrie (10-26-2006)

Time passes and my heart grows harder
A little bit closer to the end each day
Biding my time with a preset number of breathes
These days transfer more strain onto my already tired mind

So young, but then again so old
The better half has come and gone
So much time wasted feeling sad and alone
Trying to be alone to prepare for the day I die alone

Each sip from the cup of love
Draws more from a well which is running down
To someday soon be dry as a bone
And filled with only memories, if even that

The world will always turn