Fear arises By: Shawn D. Petrie

Fear arises
By: Shawn D. Petrie (12-22-2002)

awd storm 1

My mind is going in circles
And my thoughts hurt
My head hurts
My eyes hurt
My chest hurts
My stomach hurts
My hands are shaking like they never have before

Tears come so easily
Trust is going down
Love is going away
Hope has long since been gone
Friends are going away
Learning that people don’t care
Knew that all along, just forgot
Life holds no certainty at all for anyone
No one cares
When it comes down to it no one cares
Maybe….maybe your family
That’s what I’m learning
But even that is not certain
So much pain in the world
So many broken marriages
So many single moms and dads
And kids with out parents in foster homes
Scarred for life like me
Move past the scar
No knowledge of how to make my perception change
Knowing its going to take years
Years I feel that i don’t have
And don’t want to spend
Trying to hard to make my life livable
With out complaints, daily pain
And the thoughts that would put me in jail
Or in the hospital
Fucking people dong fucking care
If someone what’s to die it should be there goddamn choice
Not some fucking moron in a white jacket and a clipboard
Interested only because there trained to be
Do they really care will they be there for you
After hours when your alone and you need a hand
Not likely, false sense of meaning in this world
Is what stupid fucking people attach there miserable fucking minds to
Its all they have
Or maybe they become religious
That makes the fucking shit more manageable
That is not in your face reality

That is fantasy with potential to be real
But you will not know until you fucking die
Fucking people are just afraid of dying
So they cling to religion to make them feel better
And it makes them dismiss everything in life as gods will
A work friend of mine feels that way
Making suggestions, saying gods plan
Saying all the things he would not be saying
If ever there came a day he was in my situation
Would be worse for him, with the kids
And why do fucking people have so many goddamn kids, not enough food, love. Trust

Appreciation, jobs, land, fucking air for the
People we have now, if everyone agrees that the
World is the world and you just have to watch out
Why not take the next step and admit that it is shit
Kids give people a purpose
A body to love unconditionally
A body that hopefully will love you unconditionally
That is not a guarantee
There are no guarantees
Show me one good thing in life
Not something that you think is great
But something ill think is great
Nothing much, i have what i want
I’ve bought what i want
Cant buy me love and I’m fucked up
Too fucked up to ever be loved
Or tolerated for more that a little while
So its my fault life sucks
I don’t know or maybe don’t want to
Be any other way
Is it because i don’t care
Because my brain was formed to believe
That only pain will come forth constantly
And there is no possible way to change it
No way to take out my brain and erase the
Fucked up goddamn shit that has fucked me up
And made my life suck so bad.
Who the fuck am i to complain people have it worse
Of course they do.
I am not worthy of sympathy or a spot in the light of empathy
I deserve nothing i am nothing
And nothing is what i want through my heart and my mind
To make it al stop
Fear of hell
Fear that was shoved down my little baby boy thought
Fear that i don’t understand

I hate

I hate

I hate

I hate

I hate my hands and my nature
I hate being human
I hate the potential to be great
With the potential to be shit
I hate
Fucking hate
So familiar this hate
Put it to be long ago
Waking as a screaming fucking infant
Keeping me from sleep
Keeping me form everything
Strong word i don’t give a fuck
Fuck you fuck them fuck the world
Fuck dying fuck living
Fuck trust fuck optimism
Fuck relationships fuck divorce
Fuck every fucking thing that sucks in this
World and what do you have left
Not a whole hell of a goddamn lot left
Fucking nothing

I’m pathetic

No reason to try

Right now or ever

No reason to smile

No reason to hope

No optimism here

No way will I trust

No way will i love

No way will i recover

No way do i want to

Incapable of making it stick

Too preoccupied with the failures

Of my weak miserable life

No way do i want to feel

No way do i want to live

No way i can stand this much longer

The right time
The right place
To do the right thing
End this fucking bullshit
Once and for all

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