Moving on By: Shawn D. Petrie

Moving on
By: Shawn D. Petrie (12-12-1999)

FLAMES copy placed

Of all the things I have tossed away
And of all the things I have gained
I find myself realizing that over the years
One thing has stayed the same

When I look back on what I have said
What I have learned and what I have done
Through out my life I have carried some load
That destroyed the possibility of fun

The anger I felt as just a small child
Built up through more painful years
And when I cried out for someone to hold
Most of the time there wasn’t anyone there

The violence I saw in my own home
Has surly become my own private wall
That I built up all around myself
Because none would ever make me fall

But with all of this resistance I failed in my task
To stay hard as stone and conform
The shelter I thought was the safest place for me
Turned out to be the eye of the storm

Sometimes I meet people who mean me no harm
Though I tell myself that they do
And over the years of lying myself
I started to believe that was true

Resorting to the confinement of my own mind
I blocked out all who could teach and show
Help me to learn that this life is a gift
I never wanted to learn what I didn’t already know

Remembering back to when I was so small
That I had no control in my home
And had to endure the agony of defeat by
My father way up high on his throne

Because when he was a child he was raised to believe
That children are to be taught
with a strong forceful hand
And because of this upbringing by father turned out
To be one hell of a mean, useless man

There were times that I had fear strung deep in my heart
Of where we would live the next day
And there was a time when I had to be careful
With just how I acted and what I would say

The battles that I saw go on in my home
Between my mother and my dad
Echo in my head all these years later
And somehow still make me feel bad

One thing I would ask when the confusion was high
Was why they were staying together
The hardest part for me to realize is that my mother
Set her hopes on forever

And from the beginning of a young females’ life
They have a vision of the perfect fate
My mother had realized that after three kids
That it was too hard and then too late

So she tried her best to make it all work
To keep things together as planned
And when things were looking like they could improve

My father packed his things and he ran

As hard as I pushed for this uncertain change
I can’t help but question my intent
Because I feel so responsible for my mothers loneliness
When into the world she was sent

So off we went into the world of the new
The one we were never aware
Could be so hard and cold to the lonely
And so hard to find people that care

From shelter to shelter we were tossed around
From one foster home to another I sailed
Another chance came for us to rejoin
But once again my father had bailed

During this time I can now see
That there was a great deal of pain in my heart
And sometimes alone in a strange new place
I would wish for a fresh new start

One which would never come
At least not with all five of us there
And I can now see that having a lack of a father
Made me search for people that care

And although I hated him with every inch of my soul
For what he had done to my mom and myself
I still wanted things to get better
Though I never let that thought out

Over the years the smile on my face
Has dropped from a grin to a frown
And I have no self esteem, believes no one cares
And I drag my feet on the ground

The fact of the matter is that my mother is good
Today she is living just fine
But my actions that so surly tore her from my father
Will always be a burden to my mind

My father is living somewhere in the south

Where he seldom calls or says he cares

And even if he did it wouldn’t make any difference

Because he was absent for so many years

I feel so alone, all of the time
Nothing ever seems to replace that lost boy
Although I do find happiness in the arms of a girl
They usually use me though I were a toy

And I struggle so hard to find what I need
It occupies my life and my time
I wish I could go back and stomp out the day
That put this idea in my mind

I get all kinds of advice that is so contradictory
To what I had to learn on my own
And because I am just now trying to see
I feel its too late and ill be alone

And that’s the scariest things I could ever believe
But I still cannot put it aside
And with every girl who has hurt me so bad
I can only remember them and cry

And with every one new that I try to impress
And hold back all I think I should give
I end up becoming a shell of a man
And believing that because of them I live

But I am starting to see that with all of this mess
Through all I have been through and seen
Not everyone here is out to hurt me
Not everyone wants to be mean

Not everyone plans on ending my life
Or would enjoy watching me take my own
And it is time to begin the life I had lost
When the abuse made me feel so alone

Please give me strength to keep it together
When things don’t work out, like they will
And get back up with my life still in hand
And live for the happiness and thrill

Still I believe that I need someone else
To complete this heart that’s in need
But I am getting stronger and life is on my side
And ill bandage the wounds if they bleed

If there really is a god out there in the mist
Out there who has been planning my fate
He better get moving and help me along
Though it will never be too late

I met this new girl and I can already feel
The addiction of love that I want
But this time will be different I know
And I will block out the memories that haunt

As I sit here alone in the quiet and dark
I can see a light that’s shining for me
Realizing why this was so hard before
And took me so long to finally see

I have the will and the power to make things better
Though right now I can see things are fine
I just need to be loved by a girl that is caring
And will be proud to say she is mine

No more self pity no more negativity
No more nights spent in pain
I am getting up for the first time in my life
And I don’t plan on missing this train

There is no reason to continue this cycle
That I resort to when I foolishly believe
That every one goal is set to destroy me
When actually no one intends to deceive

I have my friends, I have my heart
And I know that it is still true
And to be exactly where I want to be
I will do whatever I have to do

So I’m going to go now cause of the time I am wasting
I will lay this pain down to rest
And from now on I will seek out my calling
And always hope for the best

I just realized that I have so much work to do
To heal this old broken heart
But I can come to terms with how I got here
And that my friend that’s a damn good start

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